


The IKEA Experience

by cabintardlock



Category: Sherlock (TV)
Genre: Being Lost, Dialogue-Only, Established Sherlock Holmes/John Watson, Fluff, Furniture Shopping, Humor, IKEA, Jam, Johnlock Fluff, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-26
Updated: 2014-07-26
Packaged: 2018-02-10 10:54:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 978
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2022519
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cabintardlock/pseuds/cabintardlock
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>John and Sherlock go on their most harrowing adventure yet – shopping at an IKEA store.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The IKEA Experience

**Author's Note:**

> Written for [this](http://sherlockbbc-fic.livejournal.com/22393.html?thread=132159865#t132159865) prompt on the kink meme.

“Remind me again why we're here.”

“Come on, how many times are we going to be in Croydon? Our case is all wrapped up, and it's not like you've got anything else to do.”

“Yes, I'm aware that I have nothing else to do, but honestly John, IKEA? Why would we need to go there?”

“Apparently, it's the biggest one in the UK, and you know, it's IKEA! Everyone loves IKEA.”

“I've never been.”

“And that is exactly why we should be here. It's the IKEA experience!”

“Fine. Hopefully it'll stave off the boredom.”

* * *

“Ooh Sherlock, we have to go to the restaurant first.”

“Why? Surely you're not hungry again, you forced us to stop and eat only 3 hours ago.”

“Yes, well, we might not be able to find the restaurant again for a while, and it's here now. You should try the meatballs.”

“Wait, why wouldn't we be able to find it? It's right here next to the entrance, it should be easy to find.”

“Wow, you really haven't been to IKEA before have you?”

“As I told you before, no, I haven't.”

“Just trust me Sherlock. Let's go.

* * *

 

“See, aren't these meatballs good? They're Swedish apparently.”

“Yes, not bad I suppose. I actually recall an article in the paper a while back about horse meat being identified in IKEA meatballs.”

“...Sherlock.”

“Yes?”

“Shut up.”

“Very well.”

“....”

“....John? Are you going to eat the rest of those?”

“You can have the rest of them, I've suddenly lost my appetite. They were less than 3 quid anyways.”

* * *

“Wow, look at all of this jam.”

“Yes John, there is jam. Your point?”

“There's just... a lot of jam.”

“You have been to Tesco's, have you not?”

“Look at this one! Um... Sailt Ha-jortron.”

“I'm assuming you mean Sylt Hjortron.”

“Right, what does it even mean? I don't recognize those berries.”

“Rubus chamaemorus, or cloudberries. They aren't the most common of the berry family I suppose.”

“We should grab a couple of jars for the flat, it sounds good.”

“John.”

“Hmm?”

“I hardly think we need two of each kind. Plus, we already have three jars of strawberry jam back home.”

“...Home?”

“What was that?”

“Nothing, I didn't say anything.”

“Why are you smiling now?”

“No reason. Come on, why don't we explore somewhere else?”

* * *

“ _John._ I don't think you're supposed to lay there.”

“Why would they put beds here if they didn't want me to lay on them? Besides, this feels downright _heavenly._ ”

“It's most likely the mattress, it's much better quality than the piece of wood you sleep on.”

“Mm, you're probably right. Here, join me.”

“Sorry?”

“Come on, I'm sure even your mattress isn't as nice as this.”

“Very well.... It is very nice.”

“I told you, you really should trust me.”

“Of course I trust you, don't be ridiculous.”

“Well, I sure hope you do, cause we have to run now.”

“What?”

“Come on, there's an employee coming! Let's go!”

* * *

“I thought you said it was fine!”

“Hah! Fine as long as no one notices, was what I meant.”

“Could've mentioned that.”

“Whoops. You know, you should get a new bed.”

“Why? My bed is perfectly fine.”

“Mrs. Hudson was complaining the other day about it, well, squeaking.”

“Squeaking? Why should she care if my bed squeaks?”

“Well, when we are doing things, it squeaks...a lot.”

“Oh! During intercourse!”

“Sherlock, not so loud! Now people are staring at us!”

“If they're looking at us, it's definitely because of your giggling.”

“Oh shut it. Any beds that you like? How about this one, the Fjell? This looks nice, and it even has storage space underneath it.”

“Well, it could be a good place to store extra experiments, but I just don't really like the look.”

“First of all, no experiments in or near the bed. We've talked about this Sherlock. And are you actually being picky about the look of a bed frame?”

“It's just the paneling, it looks far too...domestic.”

“Domestic? Seriously? Well, if you don't get it, I might. How much is it?”

“£345.”

“£345. Right. Well, I'm not getting a new bed today.”

“Realistically, it's not too bad a price.”

“This coming from the man who always turns down money from our clients.”

* * *

 

“John, where are we?

“Hang on a sec, I think there's a map on the IKEA app.”

“You shouldn't need a _map_ for a store.”

“Well, IKEA does. Here, we're in what looks like lighting, which means...erm...”

“Just let me see!”

“Fine, fine. Go ahead and work your genius on the store layout.”

“Ok, so if we are in lighting, that means we need to get to the rug and textiles area, which should be over there.”

“Wait, didn't we just come from over there?”

“No, we came from that direction.”

“I recognize that area though. Why don't we just ask someone?”

“Brilliant idea John, go ahead and pull an employee out of thin air and ask them for directions.”

“Jesus Sherlock, there's no need to get so pissed at me.”

“Look, let's just keep going. I need to get out of this dreadful building.”

* * *

 

“See? We found the exit in the end!”

“John, I'm never going to one of those wretched stores again.”

“I know the end was a bit rough, but it couldn't have been that bad.”

“I fear I may be haunted by that blue and yellow logo.”

“Come on, we had some fun before all that though, didn't we?”

“I suppose I can concede that some parts were enjoyable. It was definitely not worth it though.”

“You look more worn out than you do after most cases! We should probably get you back home.”

“Mmm, sounds good.”

“Just don't fall asleep on my shoulder in the cab, okay? Last time you did that you complained about your neck for days.”

“No promises John.”

 

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you enjoyed, this was my first attempt at a dialogue only fic! I did take a bit of artistic license, the IKEA in Croydon doesn't actually carry cloudberry jam, none of the UK locations do actually, only the US ones do. I actually had a hard time deciding which bed to use, but ultimately rejected the 600 quid one because it'd be horrible for them to have sex on.
> 
> Any and all comments, bookmarks, and kudos are very much appreciated!


End file.
